


choice

by Anonymous



Category: The Sanity Circus (Webcomic)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Angst, Canon Gay Character, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Gay Character, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Minor Violence, Non-Graphic Violence, Other, Period-Typical Homophobia, Religious Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29479764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: my brother owes me big-time for this /lh, j
Relationships: Attley Grimshaw/Posey Morris, Fletch Gray & Attley Grimshaw, Posey Morris & Sammy Talbot
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1
Collections: Anonymous





	choice

“Calaway and Rios are getting married” Posey told Attley as they led together in Posey’s bed, wanting to fill the silence that had somehow surrounded them.

“Oh... that’s nice” they replied quickly, apparently eager to engage in conversation, whatever the subject.

“Yeah”

It wasn’t nice, not really.

Attley had been with Posey for two years before Rios and Calaway had even met, and they were getting married first- because legally, they could.

“I wish I could marry you” Attley blurted, hand in Posey’s curls, wrapping a strand of hair around their ring finger.

Normally Posey would laugh, kissing the idea and sadness from Attley’s head, giggling against their lips- but today he just closed his eyes and sucked in a breath.

“I don’t think we should be talking about this Attley” Posey whispered, voice getting lost in the cotton stretched over Attley’s chest.

Attley’s hand stilled, frozen at Posey’s lower back, the younger scarecrow tensing against him.

They usually talked for hours about fantasies of a better life, where they could marry, have children, hold hands in public, kiss without making sure no one could see. Their dreams for a fairer world, where they didn’t have to be afraid to love.

“Posey,” Attley struggler to keep their voice level “no one can hear us, why can’t I talk of how I dream about marrying you? You’ve been my boyfriend for four years”

But Posey still shook his head, and pushed himself up and off of Attley, leaving them laying alone on the bed.

He had tears in his eyes, Attley noticed, and he hugged himself around the waist, almost wanting to fold himself up like origami.

“You saw your father today” Attley stated, it wasn’t a guess, they knew Posey well enough that they never had to guess about anything.

Whenever Posey saw his father, he would return and want as much distance from Attley as possible, his father convinced him being gay made you a monster- that Posey was a beast. His father had an old mindset, stuck in a time of even less acceptance, and had made it clear Posey would never be accepted. And Posey would in a second revert back. Back to how he was before, scared of who and what he was, afraid to love and afraid of himself. Attley hated how Posey’s father could unravel his son, bring back the years of brainwashing he’d forced on him and undo all the progress Posey had made to accepting himself.

And so Posey would dodge Attley’s kisses, and wince under their affections, trying to hide his own. His usual energy and enthusiasm gone.

Posey had agreed to stop seeing his father, that the verbal and physical abuse was too much, that the guilt tripping and hatred were too horrible- but clearly he had went anyway.

And he had been alone, the only friend he ever took with him was Sammy- he scared Posey’s father, and he had spoken nothing of this visit to Attley.

“Yeah- I did” Posey got up, walking into the kitchen and heading to make himself tea, he always found the motion calming, and Attley would find themself drinking cup after cup whenever Posey was stressed.

“Want a cup?” He asked as if nothing was wrong, as if this wasn’t a huge deal, as if Attley wasn’t furious.

Attley scoffed.

“No I want to talk about this, you said you weren’t going to see him again” they crowded in closer, wincing when Posey flinched and cowered away.

“Posey...” Attley’s voice was soft, eyes catching of the beginning of a bruise around Posey’s forearm.

“Baby why did you-“

“Don’t call me that” he choked out, eyes glued to the floor, hands twitching as though they wanted to push Attley away, little did he know his words were doing that just fine.

Attley stumbled back.

They should be used to it, Four years of random moments of revoiced homophobia from his father and yet it still hurt them every time. It hurt to see Posey as he was when he first met him, a young scarecrow scared in a world of threats, determined to convince himself he was something he wasn’t, just to fit in.

Attley knew Posey loved them, Posey told them daily, in both words and actions. He’d mumble it as he kissed them good morning, he’d mean it when he hugged them after a long day at work, he’d show it when they curled up to sleep together. But in these moments, they knew Posey hated what he was; that was enough to squeeze at their lungs.

“I’m sorry, I-“ Attley backed away, but Posey let out a choked sob and ran towards them, winding his arms around the taller scarecrows waist and clinging to him.

“I’m sorry” he breathed, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, he’s in my head, I’m sorry” Attley wondered if Posey was apologising to them, or to his god; either way they held him tightly, muttering low words of encouragement and assurance. Attley wanted nothing more than to visit Posey’s father, and punch his lights out. He knew Posey was gay, he caught him as a child with a friend, and from that moment on it became some sort of personal mission to make sure Posey never felt okay to be who he was.

“Why” He sucked in a breath, curling further into Attley’s chest, as though digging for their heart.

“Why does he hate me so badly” Attley could feel their shirt grow heavier by the minute as Posey continued to let his tears fall in the fabric, but Attley did not move to jostle the scarecrow- instead just letting him cry, biting their lip to keep from doing the same. They was reminded of a time, when they stood in the same position, Posey’s tears making the same stains. Posey had thought police were following him, tailing him, and was already crying by the time they reached him to ask for directions. And Attley had spent the entire night trying to convince their boyfriend that he was safe, that no one could hurt him anymore and that Attley would protect him from anything, even if that anything had to be the whole world.

“He told me it was a choice- that I chose to love you, my father thinks I enjoy this” he laughed darkly, grabbing one of Attley’s hand sand playing with their fingers. Posey had grown into his skin, accepted what he was. Last week he had even told Attley it was worth it, all the anger he could feel at himself was worth the love he received, and felt for Attley. But if they’re was even a slither of that boy his father raised, it was enough for the man to bring it back.

“Like I would choose this, like I would choose to be hated, to be afraid, to know one wrong step and I’ll be beaten within an inch of my life- why the hell would I choose this?”

Attley didn’t answer, they knew they weren't supposed to. He knew what these ramblings were. They weren’t trying to assure Posey’s father- they were to assure Posey. To try and talk himself out of it, hypnotise himself out of his own emotions, a method of self preservation. Attley knew from a friend on the force that throughout the 50s and 60s the police departments kept lists of known homosexuals, their favored establishments, and friends. And that the U.S. post office kept track of where anything considered homosexual was mailed, by a means of tracking them down. He knew state and local governments followed suit: that bars catering to homosexuals were shut down, and their customers were arrested and cruelly exposed in newspapers. Cities performing regular "sweeps" to rid neighborhoods, parks, bars, and beaches of gay people. So Attley understood the fear their people felt was well founded, and that while they had died down a little as they progressed into the seventies, the fear still lingered, the secret life’s continued, the past and present hanging Over their heads.

“If I could, of course I’d be straight. I’d love a woman, give my father grandchildren, id be safe. They wouldn’t want to lock me up in some institution, or humiliate me.” Attley could see it on Posey’s face when he spoke of loving a woman, it was the same expression he had when he told Steven “no you really do suit the moustache”

But they let him continue, whilst desperately trying to act as though each word wasn’t a punch to the face, Posey’s fingers ripping through their chest and pulling their heart straight from their body, still beating in his fist.

“I wouldn’t” they found themself saying, heart cowering behind their ribs. And you wouldn’t either, they thought- deep down.

“What?” Posey looked up at them, and even crying Attley found him breathtaking, drops of a tear still clinging to the curve of his lashed- and had to stop themself from leaning to kiss him.

“If I had the choice to silence the thoughts in my head and the actions of my heart for you, I wouldn’t. I would always love you Posey, any life time, any situation. Fear doesn’t change that. What everyone else thinks- doesn’t change that” Attley thought Posey would know this, though they weren't foolish enough to expect it to be requited in speech.

“But...” Posey fumbled over his words.

“Because like you said, it isn’t a choice, I’ve never had to choose to love you- that was all natural, couldn’t stop it if I tried- which I haven’t” they wondered how hard Posey had tried not to love Attley. Whether he cried after their first kiss, and was ashamed for weeks when they made love.

Posey deflected, “God hates me, the world hates me, half the population want me dead, that’s what they say right?” He sounded robotic, as though reading for a script. Attley thought he was probably having a conversation with Mr King right now.

Attley hated when people used thousand year old writing as a reason, half it’s meaning is lost in translation and the other half translated to best suit the person speaking it. The world evolving past ancient beliefs, but mindsets being stuck to them. They knew there were parts of many religions that actually supported love, never specifying gender, though they were promptly ignored. Attley’s family had even been raised on Nordic beliefs, a heavy influence of Attley’s personality and approach to sexuality.

And what were atheists reasons for hating them, they believed in no god, believed in no teachings- all they believed in was hating them.

Attley knew Posey had been raised religious, that he had actually liked spending time in his church; that it had been his home away from home. Posey had told them about the time they found out one of the choir boys was gay, and how he saw his favourite pastor chuck the boy to the curb and spit as his shadow, how Posey sang a little quieter ever since. And they knew how much it had hurt Posey in that moment to think he was hated by something he dedicated so many years to, how he lived in secret around people he considered family.

“Your God doesn’t hate you Posey, he created all of us equal, in the sense that the love We feel for a man is just the same as that of the love a man feels for a woman- in that I assure you, we are equal” Attley didn’t wasn’t always on the same page with Posey’s religious beliefs, what with being raised on different ones, but Sammy had lived through enough of Posey’s freak outs and panic episodes that he could near enough write out a script for Attley on how to calm their boyfriend down, and what it was he wanted to hear. “Besides, who could hate you- you’re adorable” they squeezed the scarecrows shoulders, smiling at the blush that filled his cheeks.

“That’s not what they mean” he muttered, but smiled at Attley all the same, the light in his eyes flickering like the delicate flame of a candle in the breeze.

“Man is not the voice of god Posey” Attley tutted jokingly.

“Not but they do take it upon themselves to be his spite” he retorted playfully.

Attley chuckled, and noticed Posey smiling too, bright, and bold, and there.

And things seemed okay again, a ray of sunshine through a breaking in the grey clouds. Attley thought it was over now.

They pulled Posey closer, placing a chaste kiss to his lips, fully intending it to be soft and short- but Posey wouldn’t let them pull away.

Instead kissing them harder, and pulling them in closer, running his hands through Attley’s locks and pulling on the strands to get Attley’s lips to part.

Attley moved them to be led across Posey’s sofa, Attley hovering over the smaller scarecrow, and Posey running his hands down Attley’s torso.

Everything’s okay again, Attley thought to themself as they kissed down Posey’s neck, pausing on the patch of skin between his neck and the curve of his shoulder, smiling against the warm skin when they felt Posey squirm.

They were about to return to Posey’s lips when-

“Will we go to hell Attley?” Posey mumbled weakly as if on auto pilot, lips still swollen from Attley’s, and beard burn on his cheeks.

Attley sat up, sighing and running a hand down their face- they had to go home, before they ended up saying something they would regret. They knew what Posey was going through, and despite mostly surrounding themself with people who were proud of their sexuality and encouraging the advances going on in the world around them, they knew how to be supportive to those who still struggled. And they usually were, talking with Posey for hours, addressing all his fears and encouraging him to calm back down.

But they had had a long day also. Their brother was freaking out about something to do with his job, and Attley had spent nearly their whole day trying to calm him down, until Steven cane and took over so Attley could go and see Posey to calm themself down.

How very calming it turned out to be.

Attley moved and Posey’s hand lashed out instantly, catching Attley’s wrist in a gentle but strong hold.“Attley..” he had an apology painted across his lips, but Attley wasn’t in the mood. They would only hear Posey admitting he would choose not to lone him, in fact Attley had a feeling they would hear that every time they shut their eyes. And they knew they couldn’t be mad at Posey, but the world instead, but when the world seemed to speak through your boyfriends voice- it was hard.

They shook their head, but looked at Posey with a soft gaze, gently prying their hands apart and moving to walk away.

“I think I’m already there” they told the smaller scarecrow, referencing his earlier comment about hell, and watching him deflate on the sofa, appearance still disheveled.

“You’re leaving?” Posey had the audacity to look upset, running his fingers over his lips and trying his best to smile at his partner, that smile that got Attley to do anything. “Thought you were staying here tonight?” Attley thought about how young he looked, so naive and innocent and afraid of the world around him. And despite his words and his appearance, Attley never would understand what went on their lovers head, and they had a feeling Posey wouldn’t either.

“Yes, I’m leaving” Attley bit out, turning to find their coat.

“Was it something I said?” Posey asked, tone cautious.

“Was it something you- it was everything you said Posey! You’re beginning to sound just like your father” Attley could already taste the regret on their tongue but they couldn’t stop. The words building up in their throat, and if they didn’t say them then they'd choke.

“I have no problem with who I am, I have no fucking regrets that I love you with my entire being- and if people wanna beat me for that, lock me up, humilate me; then they can... it still wouldn’t change the fact that I adore you, Posey.”

It was weird to hear themself admit such loving feeling with such a hateful tone. It twisted in their stomach and burned at their throat. “Because I know one day we’ll win. A man will be able to marry a man, and a woman a woman- I have faith in us that we’ll get there, despite everyone around us never wanting that to happen. And I wanna get there knowing I loved you every step of the way. Even if I’m an old dying man, even if it takes that long- I’ll marry you, and I won’t feel an ounce of regret for fighting for it.” Posey looked at them, mouth hung open, adoration clear on his face, but the tightness between his brows still remained.

“Attley..”

“You’re spouting that homophobic bullshit that I overhear daily, I don’t need to hear it from my boyfriend Posey, and you don’t need to hear it from yourself. You know you didn’t feel like that, I know you’re scared and think it would all just be easier if you were straight- but we’re not, this is our life, a life I know you can love .”

They saw Posey flinch under the truth and sighed.

“ I hate you break it to you Posey... but you’re gay sweetheart, you know it can’t be changed, you know you wouldn’t want it to be changed. “ Posey nodded slowly, and so Attley continued. “You’re in a relationship with a man, you lie at night with a man- and up until now, I thought you loved one”

“ I do love you Attley, you know i do!..I just-“

“Wouldn’t if you had the choice?...” Posey looked to the floor, fingers shaking, words in his lips but never making it further. “right well I’ll make that decision easier for you”

They shrugged on their coat, hating how it had already absorbed the smell of Posey’s apartment, and wrapped around them like an embrace. Posey seemed to realise soenthing was wrong, that this was different from all the other times he fell back into the pit of hatred and denial and relied on Attley to pull him back out.

“No Attley please, I love you baby, I’m just scared, he confuses me and... please don’t leave me” he tried to walk but his legs gave out, and Attley twitched with the urge to turn around and run to him.

“Attley, I’m scared... Attley please, I’ll be better. I’ll wait and I’ll fight- I’ll marry you” Attley wasn’t mad, well they were- but they were tired. They just needed to rest and move on. They told this to Posey, who seemed to hear them and ignore them all at once. “I’ll come back tomorrow- I just need space right now l, okay?”

The last thing Attley saw was Posey slumped on the floor, leant heavily agsint the wall as he sobbed; whole body shaking from their violence .

He was choking out Attley’s name, repeating over and over that he loved them, thats he’d choose to, that he would for ever no matter the consequences. Attley believed him, of course they did. They wouldn’t have stayed with the scarecrow for four years if they ever doubted that.

They bit their lip to stop them from turning back, even as blood spilled across their tongue they kept walking, until they had left Posey’s apartment and were shutting the door behind them. Hoping to shut out all their feelings with it.

They turned, stumbling over their own feet when their path was blocked by a pair of towering figures.

They certainly hadn’t expected to see police stood outside the door, cold looks on their faces.

Attley recognised their glances, the tightness of their lips, the disgust in their eyes- they nearly put their wrists together then and there to save everyone the trouble.

“Are you Attley Grimshaw?” They looked as though they already knew they were, so Attley had no choice but to nod, keeping their mouth shut.

They practised this enough times, seen it happen to too many friends. They knew the drill. They wondered what excuse they had this time round.

They didn’t say anything else, simply grabbed their arms with much more force than necessary and dragged them from Posey’s apartment building, not caring how battered they got along the way.

Posey’s sobbing only picked up when he saw Attley being dragged out, the scarecrow struggling to regain their footing as they hauled them about like a rag doll.

Posey wanted to close his eyes, but he couldn’t, he stood Watching from his window, wondering how he could have ever pretended not to love them with every inch of his being.

How he could talk such vile words to his soulmate, the scarecrow made for him. He allowed himself to be controlled, re written in a way he had done for too many years. And he was tired of it. He wanted to fight for his rights, fo every other member of the minority’s who weren’t getting a life they deserved, and he wanted to fight with Attley at his side.

He saw them throw Attley into a car and his vision whitened with panic, he scrambled For the phone, dialling Fletch's number and waiting for a reply.  
“Hello, fletch gra-“

“They arrested Attley! Fletch they got them, they were leaving my apartment- a..and I said I wouldn’t love them- god why do I ever listen to my father!....Fletch you know what they do to us in there I-... “ he was a few sentences past hysterical and it was lucky Fletch had known Posey long enough to actually understand what he was saying. Posey couldn’t stand still from all the panic filling his body, shaking his bones and sending trebles through his veins. He loved Attley. No matter what his pastor said, no matter how hard his father hit him- no matter what young Posey thought. Posey was completely gone on Attley, and seeing Attley taken away was killing him.

He could hear talking on the other line, like Fletch was holding the phone at a distance and talking to someone close to him. But then he was back again, talking to Posey with a calming but strong voice.

“I’ll handle it”

**Author's Note:**

> my brother owes me big-time for this /lh, j


End file.
